Deep Kimchi

With all of this concentration on my other blog, I nearly forgot about this one altogether.  But as I wait for a time to go to bed and try to fight my urge to eat, I need to do something with myself.  Something that's not staring at HTML code for hours and getting all of the little details sorted.

I've done absolutely nothing today.  I'm mostly okay with that.  It's Spring Break, I shouldn't have to do anything.

But the truth is that I do have something to do.  Or prepare for.  Or, as I've been doing, ignore completely.  That's right, people, I'm talking about Nationals.  I'm terrified.

I know that if I start thinking about it I'll start psyching myself out, and I'll start dreading it, and it will be the worst experience I could possibly have.  So, to cope, I'm pretending that if I ignore it until the last possible second, it will go away.

Ugh.  My veins are filled with sluggish dread.  I can feel it dragging along inside of me, weighty and thick.  If it reaches my heart, my body will tremble and collapse.  Can't let that happen.

Let's talk about something else.  Like how I just shoved a fistful of Frosted Flakes in my mouth.  I had better brush my teeth so I won't eat anything else.  Or how I still haven't put on clothes after the shower that I took four hours ago.  Or how that's perfectly acceptable because I am alone.

I wonder if this is what living alone will be like.  I wonder if I'll have any friends after I graduate and move away from everybody, or if I'll sit in my apartment and work on my blog layout all day long and eat Frosted Flakes by the fistful.  Unproductive little child.

I just remembered that there's kimchi in the fridge.  Good thing I brushed my teeth.

Yes, I am terrified.  Yes, I understand that I don't have any reason to be.  Yes, I know that I will be at least twice as happy once wrestling is over, but in a few months I will be wishing for it again.  That's how love-hate relationships go.

No, I do not know where my life is going.  I don't even know what I'm going to do for school next year.  That terrifies me too, but you will see a pattern emerging when I tell you that I'm not thinking about next year, either.  No, I don't mind if you think I'm insane.  No, I don't think that I enjoy cutting weight at all.  But who does?

Goodnight, friends.  I'm going to journal and plan my productiveness for tomorrow.