Little Girl

What's going on in my head.  What's going on in my head?

Not finals stress, a for 1.  B for 2, I was just informed that in fact, I will not be hired as a tutor in the Fall.  That screws up my plans considerably.  At least, I think it does.  Chances are, it's all a part of some bigger picture.

I'm still having trouble converting my mind to the idea of foreordination versus predestination.  I still feel like my life is being distantly guided and everything happens for a reason.  When things are out of my hands and all I can do is hope for the best, I always get the feeling that what happens is the right thing because God made it that way.  I never regret it when things go awry of my original plans, because of something that happens which is out of my jurisdiction.

I have a broken Mona Lisa watch in my drawer that I wish was working.  The seconds hand fell off and the battery is dead.  I don't know how to fix it.  I might just wear it anyway.

I'm finally starting to mourn for the little brother that I lost eight years ago.  I wrote a poem about him for my creative writing class, read it aloud.  I've been with him in every meditation I've ever done.  I want to meditate again so I can see him.

I also want to meditate to see my spirit guide, and see if things have changed.  See if I'm really being as fearless as I can be, and if I've grown strong enough to fight off whatever darkness I left my spirit guide to the last time that I meditated.  That fear that crept into my safe place and tried to overcome me, that darkness.

I'm seeing my life in a series of ebbs and flows.  I ebb away from people and places, ideas, memories, only to flow back to them.

I feel restless and I don't know why.  I have this insatiable need to keep moving, keep changing.  I'm always hiking up, searching for the next challenge, next friend.  But even with this restlessness I am flowing back to the things that I left behind.  I miss my friends that I see every day.  I miss having the assurance that I am surrounded by people who love me.  New people are always exciting, but it's the old loves that I keep flowing back to, again and again and again.

One of my most depressing thoughts is when I think about who would truly care enough about me to drop whatever they're doing to help me in a crisis.  Do I have anybody like that in my life, besides my parents?  Someone who would see me get hurt and stop their plans to drive with me to the hospital and make sure I was okay?  I need someone who doesn't ask my permission to help me, because they know as well as I do that I need it.  I want someone who cares about me enough to shape a corner of their world around my existence.  I want to be that thought that is always in the back of someone's mind.  I want my name to be someone's favorite word.  I want to be one part electric fence, one part mother's embrace.  Shocking, exciting, but as comfortable and familiar as the skin we were born in.  I want to electrocute and then rock away the tears.

The semester is almost over, thank goodness.  My restlessness is kicking in.  I need different scenery, if only for a few days.

Above all, though, I need to be with my friends.  I hate that I have been making choices between friends lately, and I can't tell if I'm making a good choice or a bad one.  It strikes me as I write this that not all decisions are black and white.

I hope that when I go home, that my friends and family will think I'm a little bolder, a little stronger.  I hope they will see my restless youth, my alacrity, my open smile, and see a changed girl.

I am still a girl.  I'm not ready to be a woman yet.  I think about that, too.  About how I just want to adventure forever and be in a constant state of discovery, but how that plan will fall through in time.  For now, I will accept youth in all it's splendor, the brashness and arrogance and self-centered but beautiful world.  I want to be 19 for a long time.

What's going on in my head?  Everything at once.  I see girls left and right getting engaged, getting married, and I think how could you possibly be ready for that?  I'm light years away.  But then I think, can you ever possibly be fully prepared for that?  Could I ever have been fully prepared to live on my own?  Or is this one of those things where you just have to take a leap of faith, a leap of fearlessness, and hope you make it?

Well, here's me.  Taking running steps.  Looking up at the sky.  I have no idea where I'm going, if that's a waterfall up ahead or a mountain.  I'm tired of preparing.  I'm ready to run.

"I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries."