Homesickness and Confessions

I'm not really sure where to begin this. I've not been the best blogger... or journal-er, for that matter.

I just need somewhere to let this out, and out in Virginia my options are limited. Especially right now. So I guess that means that I turn to you, my invisible audience. Invisible to me, anyway.

I think that for the first time, I'm homesick. Really, I would give anything to quit school right now and be at home. It's the first time I've had me a cry since I've gotten here, too. I guess that's a good thing, because maybe I haven't been addressing all of my issues properly until now.

All of my friends are out camping at the moment. I should be there. I should be there. But I'm not. They left without me.

Maybe I shouldn't be upset about this. It's not exactly the best thing to be doing on a Saturday night, and one that the school would definitely not be happy about, did they know. But, you know me. Such a rebel.

Why wasn't I important enough to remember? Not even that, why couldn't they turn around for me? Am I really that insignificant to them? Do I really have as much worth as a forgotten sleeping bag or blanket? "Oh well, we'll just have to remember her next time." I don't know if I should be angry or glad.

I could be angry that they forgot, that they didn't turn around. Or I could be glad that I didn't go, because I wouldn't have gone to Stake Conference if I had gone camping with them. Obviously, the Lord knows when it's time for me to stop making stupid decisions and how to help me make the right ones. He knows everything.

I just wish... I dunno. That I wasn't having such a hard time of it. It's not like my friends are bad people, not at all. They're just not as strong as they could be, which makes it hard for me to be strong. Sometimes it can feel like I've got nobody. Like right now.

Everyone is at the Homecoming dance right now, I'm folding laundry, blowing my nose, and eating dark chocolate. Again, I could be upset about this, that I got ditched by everybody, or I could see it as an opportunity to catch up on my journaling, read my scriptures, maybe watch the Phantom of the Opera and cry some more. I guess that's what life is all about: perspective. I need to stop having the wrong one.

Anyway, sorry that I've been screwing up, everybody. That's the first month of my college experience, in a nutshell. Enjoying my freedom in ways I probably shouldn't be, breaking rules and laws and hearts. I'm not done messing around, not by a long shot, but for once I feel good about a decision I've made. The decision to go to Stake Conference tomorrow. It's stupid that I even had to struggle over that decision. I feel stupid. But I think that Satan decided to make it extra hard for me this year, my first year away from home, because he knew how vulnerable I would be. It's not like I can just drive myself to Stake Conference. My parents aren't honking the horn at me in the driveway anymore. No, I actually have to work to make the right decisions, and so far I've been doing shoddy work in that department.

But, no time like the present, as they say. So, I'm going to go write in my journal, wipe away my tears, and hang out with the one friend I have who's still on campus. I'm not going to look back, and I'm going to try not to be angry.

Being an adult is hard work. I think it's about time that I realized that.