Super Wrestler

I feel so...  lame.

Today was a fantastic day, don't get me wrong.  It's just been wrestling this week.  I don't know why, but every practice I've been downhearted, on the verge of tears.  I don't know what's gotten into me.  Every time I get pinned or taken down, I feel like crap.  When I can't do a move right, I feel awful.  It's so hard to be a part of the atmosphere when I don't want to have any presence there.  Maybe it's stress, because we are going up to Lock Haven this weekend to practice/train with the girls.  I don't feel like I'm ready, not by a long shot.

Today was the same thing.  It started out well enough, because I was still happy about the beautiful day outside. My wrestling partner was extremely high energy, and I fed off of it for a while.  But as the practice went on, my mood started to drop as I became frustrated with myself, about the way that I blanked out every time that we went live (full-out wrestling for a set period of time, instead of practicing moves or building muscle).  It would get to a point where I was pinned, and it was so humiliating I almost couldn't breathe.

I saw it taking a downhill spiral, so after giving up multiple times on a move I was practicing, I went off to the side while the coaches talked, and said a prayer.  It was a plea for comfort more than a prayer.  I just thought, Lord please help me.  I don't want to feel like this today.  I don't want to cry.


Almost right after, I got some much needed one-on-one coaching, going through a move step-by-step at my own pace.  Lots of encouragement and practice later, I felt like I had the hang of it.  It was the first time that I had felt confident about wrestling all week.

That went away pretty quickly, of course, as we went live and I got soundly beaten.

I guess my despondence couldn't go completely unnoticed all week.  By the end, they were praising our progress, even calling me out individually about it.  Of course, that's because tears welled up in my eyes whenever someone else landed a take-down on me, or when I walked away from the mat so I could compose myself.  Sometimes I would even pretend that I had gotten hurt, just so I had an excuse to take a minute and get myself under control again.

I don't want to be that girl.  The super sensitive one, that always has to be coddled.  But, the truth is that I am, especially this week.  My head's not on straight or something; I don't know what it is, but I want it to stop.  I don't feel strong enough or quick enough or ready enough to be wrestling.  I feel stupid every time I don't know a move that I'm supposed to already know (almost every move we practice) or when I can't think of what else to do.

I don't know.  I like wrestling, enough that all of confidence about transferring has disappeared.  SVU is finally presenting it's case on why I should stay, and I've gotta say, it's being really convincing.  I'm afraid of making the wrong decision (although I suppose it's not a decision until I hear back from BYU).  Both ways, I could be really happy, I know it, but right now, anyway, I think I'm leaning towards staying.  There are a few reasons that I'd rather not disclose, but a main factor is wrestling.  I'm an integral part to the team, and would be especially next year, when we get new recruits and suddenly, I'm not the new kid anymore.

I have a lot on my mind, if you couldn't tell, but now it's bedtime, so I'll see you later.  Night.  :)