Catharsis

The last time I posted was almost a year ago, I know, but I've been trying to be an adult about things lately and let me tell you, it's hard.  It's hard not being able to complain or even talk about all the things that are going on in my head.  I had to let it out somewhere today, when I've been by myself, thinking for hours on end.

I feel distant from everyone today.  I recognize that most of my friends and I have been estranged, either by miles or our own personal difficulties.  When I'm truly alone like this, I recognize it and it makes me sad.  I don't have a single friend right now, is what it feels like.  Or, I have friends, but no best friends, no inner circle that I can complain to and they understand that I'm just a complainer who needs to get it all out.  Things are hard when I'm alone and I count all the steps my friends have taken away from me.

The funny thing is that "You Are Not Alone" by Michael Jackson just came on my iTunes, and I bet you that by the end of this song I'll be crying.

I thought that finding myself was the theme for my adolescence, for high school, and I thought that I would know who I am by now, but that process is still going on.  It's maybe not the same type of search.  I'm not completely blind to my own existence, creating boundaries and traits for myself out of thin air.  I don't feel completely lost.  Just mostly.

I think too much.  I know I do.  And this is me thinking out loud, so if you're curious about what I think, this is it.  That I'm lonely today and missing the time in my life when I had all of my friends right next to me, within reach.  Some days I feel pathetic, and this is one of them.  It'd be so easy to collapse into self-pity and self-loathing like I did so often when I was a teenager, but I'm older than that now.  Now I blog about things and drink tea and cry in my head, and then I clean and do laundry and forget about it.

Maybe there is something wrong with me, some reason that all of my friends are distant at this moment.

Probably.

I'm sorry.  I just needed to write, I guess.  I do need to write in general, but today especially, I needed to write out my feelings.  Catharsis.  I bet I'll be fine as soon as I interact with other people.  Don't worry about me.