For Keeps

I was getting so tired of that dark and oppressive layout.  I don't need to make this one as pretty as the other one, because it's just you guys.  I don't need to impress you.

Do you ever have a dream that throws off your entire day?  I just had one last night.  My brother and I were in an office appliances store, and the salesman was trying to sell us a whiteboard.  I don't know why it was such a big deal, but my brother was like "oh yeah I'll totally buy this!  For basketball!"  Don't ask me how that makes sense. And then he ran out to the car to get his money, and I told the guy that we wouldn't need one because I have one at home.  Which is actually true.

I remember there was this guy in running shorts (the really really short kind that you never want your dad to wear but, unfortunately, mine owns a pair and wears them often).  I think it was because I was writing yesterday and I was looking at pictures of Robert Sheehan as a base of sorts for one of the characters.  Anyway it was a guy and he was extremely attractive and I wanted to talk to him after I woke up and realized it was a dream, but I couldn't.

Anyway I ran out in a panic, for some reason, like it was the zombie apocalypse, and I got out to the parking lot to see my brother almost run over an old man in our minivan.

A few days ago, I had a dream that I had a daughter who...  I don't remember, I just was trying to catch her all the time.  Kept running away, I guess.

ANYWAY.  Those dreams threw off my day.  That was, until I listened to some of my favorite songs and then I felt better.

I don't know why I told you that.  I thought that it was important, but now that it's out I realize it really isn't.  Good thing I never go back and edit these things before I post them, huh?

I am so done.  With school, BV, everything.  I want to be in my house with a well-stocked refrigerator and drive a big black minivan with leather seats and play video games.  As much as I love walking, I don't want to walk up the stairs anymore that lead to campus.  I want to swim.  I want to go to the city and the ocean.  I want to see my home friends and my school friends.  I want to shoot a stop-motion film and hang out at the park at midnight, doing light graffiti.

I WANT SUMMER.

I want to write this stupid book.  It's always at the back of my mind.  I think about it in class, writing blogs, eating food.  I think about things that I want to change, even though I'm not at the editing stage yet.  I worry that it won't be my best work.  I worry that it will be, and it'll still be awful.  But I am overpowered by my need to have it read.  I want people to enjoy it.  That's the only reason I'm writing.

I don't want to be in my house very often, I will admit.  I know that I'll be sick of it within days of being home.  It'll never be the same now that I've had a taste of freedom.

I think that I'm not a very good friend most days.  These past two weeks have been entirely selfish.  I'm living on my own, basically, and don't have any friends here to pull me out of my room.  I sit and I write and I mess around on my other blog or tramp around Facebook for hours.  Am I wasting away?  Have I forgotten how to be around people?  I've lost my appetite for them, I think.  At least for the people around here.

I was just writing in my journal yesterday about this, so I guess this'll be the last story I tell you in this long-winded, disjointed post.  So, the baseball boys got back from Nationals about a month ago.  Most of them left without coming back to SVU, but a few had things to pack before they could leave.

There's this one guy that came back.  His brother flew out to drive back to Utah with him.  They were here a total of 2 days, probably.

There was a group of us hanging out at one of the girl's houses the night before the rest of the baseball boys left.  I guess I should tell you that we call the baseball boys "our boys", because there's a chunk of the team that lived in the same house and we hung out with them all the time.  So, this was not a big deal, it was just friends hanging out before they parted for the summer.

So, remember that brother I was telling you about?  He came with his brother.  None of us girls had ever met him before.  He looks kind of like Heath Ledger and sounds exactly like his brother.

Long story short, for the three hours or whatever that we all hung out, me and that boy were inseparable.  His name is Alex.  It was the first time in a long, long time that there was that instant chemistry between me and a boy.  It was...  Yeah okay it was really nice.  To be singled out like that.  As soon as he left everyone started harassing me about it and I turned SO RED, but it was just a confirmation that I hadn't been imagining things.

Only problem is that he goes to school out in Utah and I'll never see him again.  I still think about him sometimes, though, and wonder what might have happened if he had stayed.

I don't know why I told you that, either.  I think I am cursed when it comes to things like that.  Guys like me sometimes, I'm not insinuating that they don't.  The problem is that I never feel the same way.  And when I do, well shoot something always gets in the way.  I wonder when my life will stop doing that to me and bring me a guy that I can have.  For keeps.

That's on my mind, too.  What will happen when I get out of college.  If I'll go on a mission or go to graduate school, if I'll be dating a guy or still single or, dare I say it, married.  I'm not banking on the last one by any means.  Life really opens up after school.  There's so much to do, and all of the choices are overwhelming.

You know me.  I can never make decisions.


Peace out, peeps.  Read my short stories on the other blog.  Talk to me.  Give me words of kindness as I try to do this stupid presentation.